This will be my final entry.




I do not wish to be talked about.
I do not want my business all over campus.
I will no longer be disclosing any information.
I have no use for this journal anymore.


Take care.

i am changed.

and i will walk by faith even when i cannot see.

12:35 AM
I love attractive gays.
They make my life better
Thank you for being gay. That's what I'm getting at.





OH! the big old 16...
catch her before she passes her prime!

today was quite possibly one of the worst days of my life.



you know when things are bad... like, really fucking bad and you dont feel like they could get any worse?

well, things worsened several times throughout the day with various people.








goodbye.

why?
because with everything that has happened and with the way i feel now, not love but such anger, it has NEVER even occurred to me that perhaps the sweetest revenge would be to tell the truth....






















.... to everyone.

ohhh boy.

you know i could say something artsy but i will just be blunt with it.

21 years ago, on this day, my parents were married.
2 years ago today my father died.


oh nooo. i think im still in denial. or maybe its just a refusal to believe that this life even exists. i am still 12 years old, living in oxford, happy as ever.


mmm if only that were the truth. if i could have only been spared the pain, the emptiness. if the first of the 2 occurences above had never happened we might all just be better off.
instead i will continue to numb myself and say it didnt happen or it doesnt bother me. he was a bastard and she is a whore.
blah blah blah.
happy fourth of july.

i am regretful.

I've written this letter to you thousands of times in my head and finally today I feel like I can put it on paper. First let me say how deeply i miss you and love you. Your absence in my life has left such a vast void that nothing can fill or ease the pain. I understand how angry you are at me. I have to look at myself every day and know how badly I ruined all of our lives and how much I failed my girls. You are in my heart and thoughts every minute of every day. I dream of you and Claire every single night- vivid dreams- of you girls at various ages. I wake up confused and disoriented, then realize that you have been gone from my life for so long and I feel like I could cry and never, ever stop. My life had become a nightmare. I have lost everything. I have been homeless. I am currently living in a shelter that is geared towards rehabilitation. I am sober and drug free and have been for a long time now. I regularly (almost daily) attend AA and NA (narcotics anonymous) meetings, as well as see a therapist and a psychiatrist. I am on medications to make me better. I am not asking you for pity or sympathy, or even forgiveness, but I hope that you can understand that I am sick and have been for some time. I am an addict. It is a compulsion comparable to being in hell. For a long time I couldn't control it, it overwhelmed me and tried to kill me. It is a disease, not a lifestyle choice. I would have never willingly chose this path for me or my family. Part of my recovery process is to acknowledge my character defects and with gods help, try to make amends where I can. I don't know if you will get this or even read it, but I had to try to reach you. I'm trying to change my life. The process for me, and ultimately for you and Claire to heal has to start somewhere. I do not want a life estranged from you. You and Claire were my whole life and reason for living from the day I had you girls. I was a good mother Lauren, I hope you remember those times and not just the bad things at the end. We cannot continue this way- the love between a mother and her children is the only true, pure love there is. It is not healthy or normal for us to have no connection. Family doesn't just drop a member as if they never existed and go on living. People stand by their family and help them, support them, and love them no matter what. In the past few years, I have met some very interesting people- and also people who were very messed up and repeatedly did illegal and immoral things- but no matter what, when all was said and done, their family still loved them and stood by them. People are not DISPOSABLE or REPLACEABLE. No one is perfect, and I have made mistakes but my God- I haven't done anything so bad to never be forgiven and just shunned forever and judged and forgotten about. This is the way my family is- with family members, friends, etc. They just throw people out of their lives is they somehow displease them, often not over something critical. This is wrong, and about the furthest things from being Christian. It is sanctimonious and hypocritical. We all have to answer for our sins- to GOD only. I have never been arrested, sold my body or done anything sexual for drugs, I have never killed anyone. I am kind, respectful, and treat everyone with dignity- no matter their station in life or their past mistakes. It is genuine and I believe this is how to be to people. It is how I raised you- you were always friend to the underdog. "Lauren Horbal- friend to all". I was always so proud of you for not being a follower- you were never lead by popular opinion- you marched to your own drummer (so to speak)! I realize just how deeply and profoundly I have failed you. I am ashamed of my actions and am trying with all that I am to change my life for the better, but life isn't worth living without you. It makes me sad to think that if something happened to you or me, neither one of us would know about it. Claire misses you and is fiercely loyal to you. She won't give me your email address, phone # or anything. My dream was to know that when I am dead, you two would have each other in this world. I don't know what you or my parents have against her, but you have all been very cruel to her. She has suffered a lot also, and I would think loving grandparents would gently try to take her into their hearts, not be cold and treat her like an outcast. You obviously have been poisoned against me and her- which is seriously questionable. If you don't want me, at least be a friend to your sister. She has had many struggles you do not know about and has done nothing wrong to anyone to be treated so poorly. It makes me question how all that love that was given by my family that was supposedly so strong and true can be taken away and withheld so easily- was it even there in the first place? I have struggled long and hard about contacting you. I am not the evil sex maniac drug addict junkie that you are being led to believe. I hope you choose to have some sort of contact with me. I'll do anything, perhaps us meet with my therapist or case manager or something. Or just leave me a voice mail on the cell phone so I can hear your voice- I won't even answer if you don't want to talk to me- just let me know how I can rebuild what has been damaged. As long as we are alive there is hope. I have to believe this. I love you and I hope this reaches your heart. Please, let me hear from you somehow. I miss you and need you in my life.
Love always,
Mommy






yesterday was the first day all week that i've been able to eat something substantial. i wore sunglasses to work every day because my face was so puffed up. i've yelled at my entire family telling them to shut up because i don't want to talk about it, blew up on jill and becky and ian, and have completely neglected my college friends.
so for that i am sorry.

this is the first contact i have gotten since 2004. and unfortunately a lot of it is bullshit.
i don't know what to do.
Really. all i can say is thank god im not at a standstill right now. but at the same time its like everything is crumbling down around me and im going to be sitting in the middle of a pile of rubbish when all is said and done.
i dont know how i feel about it... all i can say is ive felt like i could cry and never ever stop too, mom, and thats what this past week at least has been like. like an intensified version of the past five years of my life.
im so fucked up.










I'm sorry.

i'm sitting on michelle's lap.






endofstory.

the grass is not greener on the other side.

i got troubles oh, but not today
cause they're gonna wash away
they're gonna wash away





!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you are calm and reposed. let your beauty unfold. pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones.

Spring keeps you ever close.

you are second hand smoke. you are so fragile and thin. standing trial for your sins.
holding onto yourself the best you can.

you are the smell before rain.
you are the blood in my veins.








thank GOD it's warm out today. i wish i could just skip over today and tomorrow... yes, even holy hour tonight. well... it'll be good. im just not looking forward to the torture that is working at the library, the psych test i have tomorrow.... and mad practicing.
oh right, and keyboard friday morning... guess who hasnt practiced all semester... haha oops...

but we get to sing.... aka speak... that geographical fugue again. yay!

im SO EXCITED for the appleseed cast/cursive show.
like... i LOVE the appleseed cast. !!! and cursive isnt bad, but theyre not as good as TAC.
love love love. im looking forward to strolling down main street in the middle of the night with everyone after the show.. heading to the diner... back to pinney... its gonna be a goooooood weekend.




if it makes you less sad, i'll take the pictures all down. every picture you paint, i will paint myself out.

she is just so much more mature than me.


i kind of like that





off to emmaus. hoping for some kind of change.

wow can you shut up now

claire and i have a really bad relationship.
we were so awesome. why did everything have to fall to pieces? will i ever be able to mend this relationship with her? will i ever have some normalcy when it comes to claire? i hope so. i miss her.
i just feel like i lost out. i mean i live every day and i have fun and do the best i can and i know in the whole scheme of things i gained a lot out of everything thats happened and i know that things worked out well. i just cant help but think that claire and i really missed out on a lot of things. i wish we had gone through this together... because maybe she would be better if we did.

SOOO guess who just texted me? anthony orfino. what a nice kid. i havent talked to him since before spring break and he just texted me out of the blue and is telling me about how he's planning all these trips for the summer and i 'should definitely come along.'
hah.
wow he just said one of his trips is to Boston.
ok i think i might tag along on that one.

I think i have neglected to mention that i definitely got the job at Jones... AHHH! I can't wait. i'm gonna be 'jacked and tan' lol. well at least i hope.


im so bored (library) and tired and hungry and have a lot of stuff to do when i get back to my dorm in awhile... but i have so much chinese food in the fridge and bertuccis too!

so i have come to the conclusion that michelle is amazing. we jammed last night (and i felt really bad because annie was so tired and she was just sitting there while me and michelle were recording) and she just has an amazing voice. i really want this little music project to go somewhere. ian told me today that dan semenza is having a show at harmony grange on may 17th or something and might need an opener so ian was like, 'oh lauren, you should do it.' so im gonna ask michelle and see what she thinks. except i think its the same day as queer prom... so i DONT know.
speaking of which... i really wanna go to that. its only $10 but i dont know how id sneak my dress out of the house and all.

my posts have been so bland lately.
you know why?
because i can't say what i want.
i should just delete this journal. or set it all to private so no one can see it.
but no i wont do that.
Not yet.

1. My wallet. which bascially holds everything i use. and probably the least important thing in there is the cash.
2. My ID. To get food, get into my building, get discounts at stores and restaurants nearby, to check out books, to get into my room.
3. My worry stone. you're supposed to rub the shit out of it when youre worrying and it calms you. it works. i'm such a nervous wreck all the time.. i just keep it all on the inside and come off so relaxed most of the time. but anyways, i think it's a Jesus thing.
4. My cross. It says "God loves you" on it. when i found out mrs. buturla was sick my junior year i was so upset.. you have no idea. So my grandma gave me this thing she got at church and it was this cheap little cross and she left it on my night table and told me to pray for mrs buturla... so i did. a lot actually. so i keep the cross on me... she got better, thank GOD.
5. My chap stick. Just because i have OCD and my lips are always super chapped and i lick them... whahahaha
6. My cell phone. Because otherwise I just wouldn't know what to do with myself while at work, waiting for the bus, or just in any awkward situation.

mmmmmmmm.
Today was.... fabulous. I can't even begin to tell you how great it was.
Doug came to visit me! And it was amazing... I haven't seen the kid since graduation, which is crazy. I love the kid... he has ALWAYS been there for me when i needed him. What a wonderful boy. And he has a new girlfriend who is soooo incredibly good to him and I just love to hear that and I love that he loves school. It is soooo so so good. To be honest, I thought that when he came today we we're going to have nothing to talk about and it was going to be really awkward for 4 whole hours. But we had SO much to talk about and it was just wonderfullll. And then we went to soho pie and blah blah blah. It was an all around good time. I didn't realize until today exactly how much i miss him being in my life... he's such an incredible person. He makes me so happy, and he's that one person from middle school who has been through it all with me and we've gotten to see each other grow. fantastic.
So i can't believe that truecolors is tomorrow. Like... i'm really going... for real, yo. i told joe that its going to be the best time ever... my favorite high school and college kids all at once, nevermind a plethora of gay people, rainbows, drag kings and queens, and condoms. So goooddd!
I wanna think of some really good sex questions for that vagina puppet lady. But i don't even know what to ask lol. I want to go to "i'm beautiful, damnit" because i didn't get to last year and EVERYONE was talking about it.
I have to wake up at 5. HOORAYYY.
well, of course im at the lib right now. so i g2g
peacce

so like, for real...
you need to get over yourself. i caught on awhile ago... i figured there was a reason you didn't post, i didn't need anyone to tell me you unfriended me.
which is cool, because i can't even consider you a friend anymore anyways.
can you even see this? whatever. fuck yourself.
-
In my heart sent
My confession
My condolence
You're indefinite
You're incompetent
Inconsiderate
You're so childish
I will push you
Out of what is real
Out of my head
You can stick and drown
At your residence of
Disappointments
Are of yours to come
So embrace them
Oh my shallow one today.
I don't ask for your forgiveness
I don't care much
For your actress
That's just you though
Shallow and selfish
So I go now
Oh my hollow one today.
If I could change anything
Then I would change
Everything.
These bitter days
Shall remain.
You carry your blues behind your eyes
Don't flatter yourself, I will survive.
So carry your blues, your own denial
Your feathers are gone
You'll never fly.
If I could change anything
Then I would wipe the years away,
If I could change anything.
Then I would cross the time away.
Since you're gone
I'm much better
Than you.
She'll never fly.